lalalullaby-behind bedroom doors

Dear future girlfriend/boyfriend,

omgitsnicole:

Rainy days aren’t so bad if we had each other because we can always do things indoors.We can…

• Rent some movies,drink hot chocolate and snuggle on the couch
• Build a pillow and blanket fort.
• Play video games.
• Have a sports night.
• Sing a song.
• Have a picnic.
• Have a playful wrestle.
• Take long walks to the fridge.
• Pig out.

and if you want to,we can go outside and play in the rain.

except not future, beause m and i do these things now. rainy days with my m are my favourite. (we play outside in the rain lots.)

Text message i recieved from my gorgeous today:

“iodine/lutetium vanadium/yttrium oxygen uranium”

haha, he’s so sweet and nerdy (:

sigh

Family drama. My father is attempting to get me to tattle on my sister. I will not get involved. Because it’s not my business!
What father refuses to sort it out themselves and instead comes whinging to their other child? Grow up, maybe.

I cannot wait to move away from all of this.

bleugh

I am job hunting. It doesn’t go well. Apparently, i’m unemployable. Which is mildly (ok, extremely) annoying! I joke about it lots, but i really don’t enjoy being the cliche of a broke, starving university student (at least i changed out of my arts degree, so i’m no longer a broke, starving, arts student).
So i’ve never had a real job. I worked at the local cafe. To get that job i just dropped in one day and said something along the lines of, ‘hey, just finished my HSC, lots of spare time, interested?’ next time i dropped in, they gave me an apron and a weeks worth of shifts. Currently i ‘work’ for a friend down the road, who runs a cleaning business. One of those, calls me when her regulars can’t make it, cash in hand jobs, which pays for my petrol to get me to uni. But no way can i feed myself, and i don’t do recreation any more. Like, movies? You are joking, yes? Dinner out? Pffft, as if. No more gym, no more dance classes.
Once upon a time, I had my RSA certificate and was employable to pubs, but that’s long since expired and i don’t have $150 to redo it. Plus i’d need my RCG certificate and thats another $150 i don’t have.
Currently i’m studying my first year of social work, so i’m trawling the internet for anything mildly related - youth worker, aged care, mental heath and disability work. But it’s not like they hire you unqualified in this field. And you need a first aid certificate, which i did have around the same time as my RSA. Expired now. More money i don’t have! I mean, i’ll be a receptionist in a clinic if that’s what’s available. But they all want administration certificates, or two years experience, or whatever it is. They don’t want me.
My other passion is reading but last year the book shop went into administration and later closed, so i take a look at the local library. And yes! a part-time, weekend position is available, but did you know you have to be QUALIFIED TO BE A LIBRARIAN. Passion is not enough.
So then i get down to the dirty end of things. I’m talking supermarkets and chain stores (because no way am i going into cafes or fast food. I left that industry for a reason). But m works at one of the local supermarkets and tells me it’s grim there too. Because of the recession (or whatever, i wouldn’t know) they’re laying off people and poor m has gone from 20+ hours a week to 6. Next i look at chain stores, and they won’t look at me because i’m not a junior and they’d have to pay me more.
ICK.
And while i don’t have a job, no way am i going to be moving out and starting my own life. I look at my friends from high school and i’m thoroughly disgusted. I mean, 90% have moved out. Ok, so they work delivering pizza or washing dishes for a bowling club. They support themselves. Better than me, living with my mum at 21. Or one girl is in her final year of dietetics and pharmacology, and she’s just been hired at a chemists. Another went straight out of high school into real estate, and last year she bought herself a house. Yes, her own house. Not renting. Owning. At 20. I can’t even imagine having a job that pays enough to be making mortgage payments. One friend just started in the mining industry. Did i say i couldn’t even afford to feed myself? She’s holidaying at Canada at the end of the year. And another attended her first day of TAFE and was hand picked to start an internship with a company who were there to give a presentation.
Again, ick. The way things are going i’ll still be living with my mum at 25. I don’t like to feel as though i’m leeching off her - she’s a single, self-employed mother. She doesn’t need to be supporting her adult daughter. For some particularly annoying reason, i don’t qualify for government benefits because as far as they’re concerned my father supports me. Never mind that his new partner bought 7 dependents with her and he now uses the money he claims for me to support them.
And basically, i just want a job!

naww

my rainbow lorrikeet is currently sitting on my chest licking my skin. she started preening herself and when she’d finished just moved onto me. i think maybe she’s been watching my puppies suck up to me too much.

Just lol-ing over my friends facebook fights. And here’s me thinking that seeing as we left high-school three years ago, we’d be over that!
Half of my friends spent the weekend in Sydney for someones 21st, then posted pictures on facebook, those left out got offended, and the shit has well and truly hit the fan.
The main defense people have is that it was a ‘small birthday thing’, and that any other time they try to organise something, people are busy and don’t go anyways. One girl who was left out is pretty upset that ever since she started dating her boyfriend, who’s a few years older, she never gets invited to anything.
Honestly, i’m not impressed at being left out either, and it was callous of them to brag about going away over facebook, but i’m also not going to make a big deal about it.
Apparently we’ve all just regressed to high-school politics.

I am probably not in the best mood right now. I snapped at m. It wasn’t really his fault though..
I have a very large essay due in under a week, i haven’t even started it yet, and it’s worth 50% of my final grade.
Other factors annoying me include: it’s my mid semester break, so i can’t access the university library. There’s this one book i NEED to use, but someone else is holding it. I could get it from another campus, but being on a break, no intercampus facilities. Everyone else in my class appears to be powering through, which is just rude. Don’t they know it’s rude?
And in other news, my father has taken my sister overseas, my mother has gone away from the week, i’m house-sitting on my own, and m elected not to stay last night, despite the offer of steamy-shower/lounge-room/kitchen sex, during day light, not worrying about being too loud or being walked in on.

Then today poor m rang to ask if i wanted to go get groceries with him. NO, i do not want to. I don’t care that there’s no food in the house, and that in a few hours i’ll be complaining. Right now i am stressing!
And pretending none of it’s happening by ignoring it all. I’ve been researching my favourite topic: babies! I’ve googled, i’ve tumblred, i’ve made pointless decisions that won’t actually be of use until i have a baby, or you know, fall pregnant. (i’ve decided on cloth nappies, gender neutral environment, the nursery theme, and even kind of drafted a birth plan). Call me crazy baby lady!
Then i decided to procrastinate even more by writing a blog about it.
Ick, ick, ick.

I spent the day reading teenage romance novels. I miss that. I miss the swooping feeling in my tummy, and i miss making out for hours, and i miss being passionate and i miss it being exciting and i miss it being spontaneous, before we had a routine.
I’ve been at my mums for a few days and m hasn’t responded to any of my messages. I dunno. I just miss him tonight. I wish we were still seventeen and he’d still sneak into my bedroom at night, or we’d still spend hours laying on his bedroom floor just talking before his dad knocked on the door and told me it was time to be driven home.
Tonight, i wish i didn’t have to grow up.